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Arkansas Fat Kids Get Off Easy

Updated: Apr 15

"I'm not fat! I'm big-boned!"

Since the state began measuring body mass index in schools five years ago, there has been no increase in taunting of overweight children, Rob Moritz of the Arkansas News Bureau reports.

The results came in a special study by the University of Arkansas for Medical Sciences. Says Dr. Joe Thompson, Arkansas surgeon general: “We took some pretty major steps to safeguard the children and I’m pleased with the findings because it shows our safeguards work.”

I, for one, am deeply discouraged by these findings. If kids don’t taunt fat girls, where will they find the motivation to lose weight and turn into smokin’ hotties? How will the tough kids of tomorrow hone their skills at intimidation and bullying without picking on the fattest among us?

Sure, they’ve got the stupid, the uglies, the sissies and the weirdos to pick on, but picking on the fat kids is a vital part of that formative experience.

I’m just kidding, of course. I’m a Republican in Little Rock, Arkansas, so I know how serious bullying is. Why, just the other day, I was going to lunch at Loca Luna when a bunch of Democratic kids in “Obama” shirts pushed me down in the gravel and played “keep-away” with my hat.

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