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Let’s All Go Buy Lottery Tickets At Midnight

Updated: Apr 13

("If Lottery Tickets Told The Truth"--click image for more)

If you don’t have anything to do at midnight, then you should go to the big kick-off ceremony for the Arkansas lottery at some random gas station in West Little Rock. Hooray! Free money for all! (Unless you listen to John “Buzzkill” Lyon at the Arkansas News Bureau, who’s decided it’s his job to bring everybody down with his “statistical probabilities” and such.)

The midnight observance is lottery director Ernie P.’s way of giving the finger to all those pesky news reporters who have been antagonizing him all these months with questions about exorbitant salaries for lottery employees and sketchy contracting practices. Ha, screw you, newspeople. You should have gone to law school like everyone else.

Gov. Mike Beebe says he won’t be buying any lottery tickets, probably because Mrs. Beebe won’t let him. I know how that goes. I told Arkansas Project Girlfriend (APG) I wanted to go buy a bunch of tickets and she said “no,” because I had already exhausted this year’s budget category for “throwing away money on stupid-ass shit.” Which is alarming, because it’s only September and it turns out there’s still a whole bunch of stupid-ass shit I was planning on throwing away money on this year.

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